


How to Stop France and England from fighting

by AuthorReinvented



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Cute, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, France and England wont stop fighting, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27293446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthorReinvented/pseuds/AuthorReinvented
Summary: A guide to stop England and France from arguing as per each ex-colony.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 62





	1. By America

**Threaten Them.**

* * *

"That's _it!_ "

America suddenly snapped, slamming his hands down on the meeting table, where everyone had given up on attempting to stop England and France's fistfight. Germany looked liked he'd given up on life, submitting to being clung to by italy after his interference earned him an elbow to the face. He wasn't actually injured of course, but his pride was, and to put it simply, Germany was sulking. 

America had been quite happy to ignore the fight and eat some snacks and read a comic book while they fought. Now he was finally done re-reading the comic book for the fifth time, and America was frustrated to see England and Frances fight still going strong. America had no choice but to use his hidden card. 

"If you dont stop fighting, im going to start telling embarrassing stories about each of you!"

He threatened, and it halted the arguments temporarily at least. France was the first to recover. 

"Ah, America, i have no~" he started in mock sympathy, but America cut him off. 

"River Thames. July 1" 

Francis went pale and immediately backtracked.

"Now, now, there's no need to tell those stories, Im sure they're very boring, England doesnt want to know... "

England looked quite interested in knowing, but he also seemed to remember that America knew quite a lot of embarrassing stories about him, and wisely snapped his mouth shut. 

"America is quite right." he said instead, ignoring the fact he was threatened. "This behaviour is childish and you're distrupting the meeting, Frog."

France looked like he would very much like to restart the fight, but seemed to decide that he would like to keep whatever happened at the River Thames a secret, and sukily sat back down in his own seat. 

There was a moment of silence around the table as everyone registered how quickly America had ended the fight, and then wondered how the could get the story of what happened at the River Thames on July 1st. Germany was giving America a very strange look, and finally asked the question that had been bothering him. 

"America.. If you were able to stop them that quickly, why didn't you do it earlier?" 

America took a long slurp out of his soda. 

"No way Dude, I was reading." 

Having given this answer as though it was only natural, America, satisfied with the results, gathered his papers and stood up.

"My turn!"


	2. By Australia

**Can't Argue If They're Too Terrified To Speak**

* * *

For once, England and France were completely silent. The only noise was Australia and America's rambunctious chatter and the occasional scrape of a knife against a plate. Finally, England found his voice, rather more shaky and subdued that usual.

"Say, Australia my Lad, how sensitive did you say these terrib- ah, no, _interesting_ beasts are?" 

France, for once, backed England up. "Oui, they are not...dangerous?" Frances asked timidly.

Australia looked up brightly. "What the Gators?" He asked casually, as though the large 8-10 foot long reptiles were only stray cats. Australia shook his head dismissively. "they're harmless! He patted the snout of a nearby crocodile with particularly large teeth. "Just so long as you dont upset them!" he finished happily, reaching for more ribs. 

America grinned and spoke through a mouthful of shrimp. "So just dont yell, or grumble, or make any negative noises!" America offered helpfully. France went pale, and England stiffened, but didnt say anything, even when France accidentally elbowed him in the ribs. 

The crocodile next to America yawned, displaying a mouth full of very large, very sharp teeth. Australia shot America an evil grin.


	3. By Hong Kong

**If You Argue At My Place I Will Throw You Out!**

* * *

"Yo Teach!" 

Hong-Kong answered the door cheerfully, then froze when he saw the group behind England, zeroing in on France in particular. Immediately his face turned firm.

"No fighting in my house or I will throw you out!" He warned.

England looked insulted immediately and blustered that _he_ didn't start fights. France took the same opportunity to offer to keep England under wraps. England opened his mouth as though to argue - then stopped after Hong-Kong shot him a sharp look.

The cease-fire lasted exactly five minutes and 20 seconds. It started with France making a jibe about Hong-Kong's unfortunate relation to England. It escalated quickly from there, although admittedly, Hong-Kong did let England snap back at France for quite a bit, until England forgot he was defending Hong-Kong and just started insulting France for the hell of it.

France, who had been waiting for this, smirked slyly and happily returned the put-downs. America and Canada exchanged a look. Hong-Kong let them argue for another 5 minutes, then stood up silently and walked over to the front door and opened it. Then he walked up to pair and pointed firmly towards the open door with a stern expression. 

"Out." He commanded in a sharp way that reminded everyone else that China was also his family.

England faltered. "Now, chap, you cant really mean-" 

Hong-Kong did not waver.

France suddenly remembered he had something important to do and excused himself, and England, realizing he'd been abandoned, stormed after him with a flustered shout. 

Hong-Kong breathed in a deep, calming breath, but he wasnt done yet. The fight going on behind him was definitely less intense, but America was growing louder with ever statement.

"-Should have stopped them!" Canada insisted, just a little sulkily. 

"Why should I have to?" America demanded, unimpressed. "Why didnt you just do it if its so easy?" 

"You know they dont listen to me!" Canada stamped his foot lightly, on the ground, exasperated. 

"Yeah, well that's just-" 

America stopped talking rather quickly, and Canada's face turned guilty. Hong-Kong scowled.

"Out."

Neither of his brothers argued, only quckly filed out after England and France.

America slammed the door on the way out, and Hong-Kong made himself some tea while he waited for His family come quietly beg forgiveness and ask to be let in.


	4. By Canada

**Ask them nicely...**

* * *

England and France were arguing again, and though Canada was grateful that at least it hadn't yet escalated into physical violence, he had had quite enough. 

"Um, England?" He interjected gently into the argument. "Maybe we could talk about something else?" 

England didnt even seem to hear him, smirking as he returned France's insult with two of his own. Canada sighed and turned hopefully to France. 

"France? Could you maybe stop aggravating England?" 

France barely seemed to register Canada's voice, mumbling a short, "Not now, Canada." Then insulting England's fashion sense. Canada was getting increasingly frustrated, and tried once more. 

"Guys, please stop fighting!" 

This part, at least, was loud enough to catch their attention, but it only lasted long enough for both of them to declared "He started it!" while pointing aggressively at eachother. 

Canada sighed, deeply, and his face went cold. 

"I guess I have no choice." 

He muttered, escaping to the kitchen to make a cup of wine and a cup of tea respectively. 

**When that doesnt work, drug their drinks.**

* * *

England didnt seem to hear Canada's voice when he reappeared with a cup of tea, but his british nose quickly caught the scent of Earl Gray, and he temporarily stopped arguing to accepted the cup with a gentle thanks. France accepted the wineglass with a thrilled look, and as both of them focused on their drinks, it seemd like perhaps they'd stop fighting.

Then England made a comment about drinking wine in the morning and how only idiots would destroy themselves like that, and France shot back with a comment about England's drinking habits. The fight resumed full force. 

This time Canada did not try to fight them, only watched them closely with an expectant look. 

Framce was the first to waver, sinking onto the chesterfield, and England quickly follow suit, collapsing into the armchair.

"Odd," England muttered, "Why am i so tired?"

Canada tucked a blanket around England. 

"You stayed up too late last night fighting with France." he lied. 

There was no response as England's head sagged to meet his chest. France groaned as Canada brought a blanket to him.

"you..." France struggled for a coherent thought, staring at Canada with awe. "You drugged me?"

Canada smiled, and for once his smile looked quite haunting, and just a tiny bit malicious.

"Good night."

France's eyes slid closed and didnt open again.


	5. New Zealand

**Insult both of them more than they insult each other.**

* * *

"And what's more-" England snarled at France, "You're not even that attractive!"

He pointed finger triumphantly at France who seemed to crumble away like sandstone at the words, petrified with shock. 

"And your habit of stripping makes you seem shallow!"

New Zealand added critically, while England puffed with victory, giving New Zealand a rather approving look. France turned back into a person and gasped in a how-dare-you kind of way as though he was deeply insulted. He snapped back at England in a way that suggested a more deep feelings than his usual bickering.

"How would you have any idea what women think?" France accused. "No woman would want to have anything to do with _you!_ "

"He's right," observed New Zealand. "You're not exactly popular with women..." He considered that for a second, then added on, " Or people in general." 

France nodded in agreement as England deflated with those words, giving New Zealand a betrayed look. New Zealand wasn't done yet, nodding along to himself as he spoke. 

"Although France is only popular until he opens his mouth,"

-Here France inserted another dramatic hurt gasp -

"Actually, that's true for England too, if I think about."

\- England mimicked France's horrified Gasp-

"So basically, both of you are equally unpopular!" New Zealand finished with a satisfied tone.

France turned into a husk and England spit up blood, something that usually only happened on America's birthday. 

"Dija really have do 'em like that, bro?" Australia chimed in from where he'd been observing in amusement.

"What?" New Zealand defended. "It's true! They're both realy similar!" 

"You take that back! " France and England demanded in unison, pointing at eachother. "I'm nothing like him!"

New Zealand smirked. 

"See?"

France and England quickly gave up once they realized anything they said was only proving New Zealand's point.


	6. By Monaco

**Distract them.**

* * *

Monaco regretted saying she would cook for England. She regretted it for two reasons, the first being that England's tastebuds had died a long time ago, and though he made a polite complement for every dish, she could tell he didn't mean it because his facial expressions didn't change even once.the second reason she regretted it is because England had ~~bragged~~ let slip to France that Monaco had promised to cook for him, so France guilted Monaco into letting him join too. 

Which meant that instead of eating her food, France and England were bickering at eachother across the table. Monaco tried to intervene. 

"Ah, France, England, would you like some wine?" She offered, holding up a bottle of her finest wine. 

"Oh, oui! Merci, cher." France agreed, not even lookingg at her. England took advantage of the momentary distraction to insult France's wine, amd they were back at it again in a second. 

Monaco took a deep breath and smiled gently as she tried again. 

"Ah, England, look at the sunset!" She gasped, clasping her hands. "Isn't it très manufique?" 

It really was a beautiful sunset, turning the area over the city orange and purple, dying the buildings with light. She couldn't have asked for a better sunset, really. 

"Mmm, yes, wonderful." England said without looking, sending France a sharp retort when France sneered about the French language. 

Monaco felt her eye twitch. Here she has spent all evening making a delicious meal that one of the two crétins couldn't even appreciate, not thst either of them were bothering to try, and now she was being ignored? 

Monaco smiled just a little more coldly and grabbed the bottle of wine around the neck. 

**Distract them harder.**

* * *

Monaco slammed the bottle of wine down on the table between England and France, cutting off their tirade and causing both to jump and stare at her with wide eyes. 

"I said-" She said pleasantly, beaming in a rather Russia-like way, "Isn't my sunset beautiful?"

England looked back and forth between her and the bottle, which only missed crushing his fingers by a fraction, with a pale face. France flinched. Both of them hastily looked out the window at the glowing sunset and offered their praises, devoid of any real feeling in the face of fear. Monaco smiled pleasantly at them. 

There were no more arguments during the meal.


	7. By Seychelles

**Reasonably remove the root cause for the argument.**

* * *

"I don't understand why you have to be so insufferable!" Francis hissed at England petulantly.

"Well why do you insist on being such a wanker, then?" England retorted.

Seychelles watched them both with a thoughtful expression. France flipped his hair and England turned his nose the other way.

"Well you-" France started to respond, but Seychelles cut him off. 

"Now, France, stop that! It's your fault!"

France looked scandalized and England looked pleasantly surprised. 

"My fault?" Francis repeated in a shocked tone. 

"Yes!" Seychelles agreed. "Because you keep on teasing Britain and embarrassing him! If you would just tell him you missed him and leave it he wouldnt get so mad!"

"That.. It wasn't-" France was at a loss for words, but Seychelles didn't give him the chance to speak, turning to England sternly.

"it's your fault too!" She chided at him, "you need to clearly tell him you don't like something instead of just immediately insulting him!"

England was equally speechless. 

"I-But.. I"

Seychelles shook her head. 

"Both of you need to be more honest! If you don't like something, say it! But nicely! If you miss eachother, just say and move on, and if your jealous of eachother, just complement eachother and get over it!" 

England and France found their voices. 

"I'm not jealous of him!"

Seychelles wasn't buying it. 

"Britain, you have mentioned his hair 3 times already in the last five minutes and his wine and cheese 2 each. France, you have already complained about England going drinking without you 7 times by my count."

She folded her arms and England and France started to explain that wasn't the case **_at all_** , but gave up after seeing her expression.

England gave France a tired look and France returned it, for once in complete agree meant. Both of them didn't argue again until they left Seychelle's house.


	8. By Sealand

**Annoy them so much they forget to be angry at eachother.**

* * *

"England! Jerk England! Hellloooooo? England! Listen to me!" 

England and France's bickering could hardly be heard over the sharp British tone. 

"Hey! You stupid Frog! Pay attention to me!" 

Unfortunately the loudest voice of all wasn't getting attention from either of them no matter how hard he tried. This called for desperate measures. 

**And get mad at you instead.**

* * *

In hindsight, Sealand probably should have known better. Unfortunately, he didn't. Still, squirting England and France in the face with a water gun did technically get them to both stop fighting and pay attention to him.

Unfortunately, they did continue to yell, just no longer at eachother. 

"You ungrateful -" 

"My 'air! You ruined it! Look it's all limp and -" 

"-Perhaps you can think it over while you're grounded, you-" 

"Oui, d' accord! Now I'm all wet!" 

Sealand shrunk under both of their glares but remained defiant. 

"this is all you fault because you were arguing!" He declared boldy, then ran for it before both England and France exploded in unison. 

"Brat!" 


	9. Bonus: by the UK Brothers

**Stop Them? Why Would We Want To Stop Them?**

* * *

England and France were fighting again, much to the pleasure of their audience. 

"Five pounds says that our baby bro strangles France within 5 minutes." Scotland wagered, stuffing a couple cookies in his mouth. 

Ireland wiped his lips on his sleeves. "Yer on!" 

The words were barely past his lips before England launched over the coffee table and fastened his hands around France's neck, cutting off France's sing-song teasing. Ireland cursed, not seeming overly upset, and dug into his pocket for a crumpled bill, which Scotland claimed with glee. Neither of them made any move to assist the choking France, though they did both boo when he managed to escape Englands grip with a good elbow to the gut.

France's wild struggle sent England's 4th favourite teacup to the ground, and England let out a stream of insults and curses. Ireland nudged Scotland with his shoulder, wiggling a bottle of scotch he'd found in England's liquour cabinet. 

"What say we take a shot everytime he curses?" 

Scotland grinned deviously in response. "Think we can fill em fast enough?" 

England's 4th favorite teapot joined the teacup on the floor, and Ireland popped the top on the scotch and poured some down his throat, passing it to Scotland, who followed suit. 

**I Dont Know Who You're Talking About.**

* * *

Scotland was popping open a bottle of brandy from England's quickly depleting liquour cabinet when the last of England's 4th favorite set of saucers nearly shattered on an unsuspecting newcomer. The saucer flew right past Wales, nearly touching his nose, before shattering into mutiple shards on the wall behind him. 

To his credit, Wales didnt even flinch, or acknowledge his older brothers stage-whispered discussion about whether that counted as "Injuring someone unrelated" - "Look, one of the shards scratched his cheek!" - and if Scotland therefore owed Ireland money. After deciding that money was not in fact, owed, because Wales _was_ related to England, Ireland caught his quickly escaping brother around the neck. 

"Now, where're ye goin'?" Ireland teased, and Wales seemed to die inside. 

"Please dont talk to me." he intoned, wiggling out of Irelands arm, only to be immediately recaptured by Scotland. 

"Yer not gonna try to stop their fighting?" Scotland teased. 

"i dont know who you're talking about." Wales said loudly over England's curses and France's laughter, making use of his elbow to escape. 

**What Fight?**

* * *

"You clod!" England snapped, devasted at the shards of pottery surrounding him that had once been his 4th favorite teaset. "You're going to replace that!"

France gave him a wounded look. "Angleterre, surely you are not blaming moi? I was not the one who threw the sugarbowl, you know!"

England fairly snarled. "You started it!" He caught a glimpse of a form passing by and turned rather aggressively to them. "You saw what he did, right? He broke the whole set!"

Northern Ireland simply pretended not to hear, crunching over pottery shards to dig through the fridge for food. England spluttered as France teased that even Northern Ireland knew it was England's fault. That is, until France made a comment about leaving the cleaning to England.

"Oh no ye don't!" 

Northern Ireland blocked his way out with a glower and a broomstick.

"Who do ye think has to clean this mess up?" She snarled at France. One of the cons of being under England's rule meant that unlike her twin brother, England could order her around, which usually meant using her as a maid. She didn't wait for France's response.

" Ye will, that's who!" and with that, she thrust the broom into Frances hands and stalked off.

Moments later the fight resumed. Northern Ireland pretended not to notice.


End file.
